Jul 09
24
The Beer Pong Senior Circuit
While you may think that your elders are only good for their silly senile outbursts and their ability to keep Velcro sneaks in stores … they actually might be able to teach you a thing or two about the game of beer pong. So next time you see your grandma and grandpa, wait for them to toss their dentures in and fire their hearing aids up and ask them for some pong tossin tips. Here are some of the all-stars from the beer pong senior circuit:
The Arc’n Grandma
She clearly places style over substance and really shows off her ensemble from Modern Senior while lofting her ball high above the cups.
Motto: Show confidence with every throw, even if you just dirtied your diaper.
Granny Squared
They say power is in numbers, and between the two of them they rack up the most years on a single beer pong team ever. Opponents really lose it when they pull out the “double hang low” (super saggin skin edition).
Motto: 2 Grandmas, 6 cups
The Old Hat Hustler
One of the shiestiest players you will ever seen, your conversation may start slow while you explain the game to her, but after two shots you’ll see that she is a beer pong sniper and that you probably shouldn’t have bet your Christmas cash on your team.
Motto: What’s Beer Pong? <plop>
The Short Shooter
One of the shortest (and kindest) players that you will every cross paths with. She doesn’t have a height advantage, but uses her hobbit honing skills to hit the last cup.
Motto: I may be short, but I’m also a lightweight
The Senior Leaner
This beer ponger knows that you won’t call out your own grandmother, so she leans away. Call her out on it and she will blame her hip replacement or her wobbly walker.
Motto: Oh, that won’t happen again, sonny boy. [continues to lean]
The Elderly Underhander
She is the comedian of the AARP beer pong circuit and it may not look like she takes the game seriously, but that lofty shot is deadly accurate. At first opponents think she is getting lucky, and get a little lax in their game. But when they are down quick they suddenly may be found enulating her throw.
Motto: I learned this from bumpin uglies with the Harlem Globetrotters back in the day.
The Fragile Tosser
She may look weak, but is actually one of the strongest beer pong players on the circuit. Her specialty is bypassing the cup alltogether and hitting shots with nothing but beer.
Motto: These ping-pong balls are heavier than they used to be.
The Sniper
She may have a squint, but don’t take that as a sign of weakness. She is just honing in on her cup with an internal scope that has been around for centuries. When paired with a good partner, she can’t be beaten.
Motto: Pick a cup, any cup
The Cheerful Chugger
An alcholic for the ages, this boozin’ granny prefers to play with full cups. Watch out for her to don as much distracting apparel as possible as well as fist pumping until it’s time to watch Charlie Rose.
Motto: Wow, I’m *hiccup* gettin sober over *hiccup* here. *burrrp*
The Pong Prima Donna
If style points made cups, she would be good. But they don’t and she’s not. But she will lose in style and always tries to blend her outfits in with her backdrop so opponents lose depth perception.
Motto: I sink em in Style!
Defensive Guarding Granny
Seen here blocking a bounce, she is like Dwight Howard in the paint. She is the most alert athlete in the game, and never lets an errant shot in the cups.
Motto: Not in my cup sonny-boy!
The Steated Sinker
Again this player uses age to their advantage and shifts into a seated position that she also uses for Bingo Thursdays. While this may seem like a disadvantage, she uses the seat for stability and fires lasers.
Motto: Seated is sexy!
The Elderly Tomboys
They confuse you with their undeniable sense of style and Men’s Comfort fit Wrangler Jeans. Just because they are girls (we think) doesn’t mean they can’t throw a wicked beer pong ball.
Motto: We will stun you with our drop-dead looks and unisex clothing.
The Uderhand Sniper Piper
Make a cup? Who cares? He has a pipeful of Mohawk tobacco and a cowboy belt that would make Garth Brooks salivate. That’s right, that table is made from particleboard and there is a half-empty ashtray waitin – forget all this beer pong, he wants to smother himself in tobacco smoke and tobacco so he can be the next Malboro Man.
Motto: Gee Willikers – I just drank me spit cup!
The Gutsy Guido Grandpa
“Yeah I got a plaid shirt, yeah it’s unbuttoned – so what I look good toots” This long time ponger loves being unconstricted, loves large print flannel and really loves dark grain wood paneling. And canolis.
Motto: Eyyy – Lets play with some tomato sause and some fresh motezzerla
The Pong Prayer
This beer pong player is an avid prayer. Many times during play he stops to pray and fist pump while his gold timex gleams in the florescnt lighting. Why do a distraction when you can just close your eyes and pray?
Motto: Our Father who art in heaven .. MISS IT!
The Giant Jeans Grandma
While you may think she is extraordinarially stubby, you think wrong my friend. The most decieving player on the pong circuit, this player has arms that damn near reach her knees. Unfortunatley for her, she was attacked by a vicious pair of Mudd Jeans and has never been the same since. Beware of taking her on when you are using blue cups as she really turns her side of the table into a sea of blue.
Motto: My jeans are eating me – blarrrghh!
And that’s it folks! That’s the senior circuit all-stars so look for them in various nursing homes and bingo parlors across the country.
This is a post from: Beer Pong News, the source for all your beer pong info & events.
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